Breaking the Habit
by SnitchsLins
Summary: Song fic. Itey has serious anger problems and it’s ruining his life. He’s tried everything he could think of and he’s running out of options. He chooses the option that will end his problem and his life.


Disclaimer: I DO NOT own the song "Breaking the Habit" by Linkin Park. I do not own any of the Newsies.  
  
Author's Note: I'm sorry if I get the song's interpretation/message wrong, but when I listened to it and read the lyrics an idea was in my head. I apologize if I misinterpreted it, that's just my creative imagination and that's just what I thought it meant. So, don't flame me for my interpretation of it.  
  
I've never written a song fic before, so in other words, this is my first one. I'm sorry if it's kind of crappy, I was just trying out the idea. But, please be gentle with it, I don't really know what I'm doing, but I tried my best. I tried my hardest and that's all that matters.  
  
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"What do you want me to do Alicia? I've done everything I can!" Itey screamed into the phone to his girlfriend. They've been fighting for a week straight and they just can't understand what they're fighting about.  
  
"I don't know, Itey, what are you asking me for?" Alicia cried back to him. She was tired of the fighting, but she loved him.  
  
"Why am I asking you? Why the hell am I asking you? Because you're the one who always confronts me about everything! I can never do anything right! I always do everything wrong! Nothing I do is good enough for you, am I right Alicia?" Itey screamed at her.  
  
"Itey, stop! I didn't say that. Just calm down!"  
  
"I'm not going to calm down, I am fucking calmed down!" He banged his fists against the wall.  
  
"Itey, just listen to me and calm down please. We're never going to sort this out, if you don't calm down." Alicia soothed.  
  
"Alright." He took a deep breath. "Go ahead." He said calmly.  
  
"Itey, don't worry about what Silvia said. She doesn't mean anything to us, she doesn't mean anything to you."  
  
"We're talking about her?! I'm not fucking talking about that bitch! Alicia you know that! Why the hell do you think I'm going to talk about her for? She's nothing! She's a stupid slut who thinks she can break us up. Are you on her side or something, Alicia? Do you want her to break us up?"  
  
"No! I know you're angry about that, and I thought maybe if we talk about it, it'll make you feel better." Alicia explained as she tried to hide her crying from him. He always made her cry; his anger made her cry. He'd get so angry and say things he didn't mean.  
  
"Oh you just thought? You thought wrong! Look I don't ever want to hear that name again, do you understand me. The next time I hear that name, I swear to God I'll go crazy and I'll kill her. She's a bitch who deserves to die!"  
  
"Itey don't say that!"  
  
"I can damn well say what ever the hell I want." He yelled back.  
  
"I'm not going to talk to you when you're like this."  
  
"I'm not going to talk to you at all if you want to bring up that whore!" He slammed the phone down and hung up.  
  
"Itey? Itey?" Alicia slowly put the phone back on the hook. She pulled her pillow over her face and started to cry. "Why does he have to get so angry? He can't treat me like this anymore. I can't let him do this to me anymore. People are going to start to suspect something if they see me crying. My parents already think something is up. I can't break up with him. I just can't. I'm afraid to break up with him. He'd get so mad and probably kill me!" She thought to herself as she cried.  
  
Itey sat alone on his bed; he listened to the fighting of his parents. They were screaming at each other just like he'd been doing to Alicia moments earlier. He realized he had an anger problem, he knew he had one, but he also knew where he got it from. He had gone through four step fathers and now he has one more. His parents always fought. Ever since he was a baby he's always heard fighting and it tore him up inside. He inherited the habit from his parents.  
  
Memories consume  
  
Like opening the wound  
  
I'm picking me apart again  
  
You all assume  
  
I'm safe here in my room  
  
Unless I try to start again  
  
He hugged his pillow close to him as he thought. "How can I change myself? I don't know what to do anymore. I'm ruining my whole life with this stupid thing. Alicia like hates me now. I love her with all my heart, but I just can't stop yelling at her. How can I yell at someone I love?" He thought to himself. "I have to break the habit, but how?" He picked up the phone and dialed Alicia's number.  
  
"Hello?" A raspy voice said, she had been crying.  
  
"Alicia? Baby, I'm so sorry for the way I acted. I didn't mean it! I just got so mad." He explained. "Baby, please forgive me!"  
  
"Itey, I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of being treated like I don't matter! I feel like a rag doll that you can throw around wherever you want and whenever you want. I can't be like that anymore. Itey, I'm a person and I deserve to be treated like one!" Alicia explained to him.  
  
"I know, baby! I'm sorry. God please forgive me. I just, I can't help it! Honestly, if there was something I could do about it, I would!"  
  
"Break the habit, Itey! You have to break it!"  
  
"How?"  
  
"I don't know, but you have to. You can't live life this way. There is no happiness for you. It's like you're living in a dark labyrinth of tunnels, and you're trying to find the light, but you can't. You can't find the light because of this habit. You have to get rid of it, somehow or another."  
  
"Alicia, I've tried, I don't know what to do anymore! I've seen shrink after shrink, I've had anger management classes and nothing! I'm on medicine, I've done everything I can think of, and I don't know what to do anymore!"  
  
"Itey, you have to do something. I don't know what, but you have to. Look, I have to go. But I'm telling you, until you change, there is no longer going to be an Alicia and Itey. It's just going to be Alicia alone. And an Itey alone. Do you understand?"  
  
"Alicia, no!"  
  
"Goodbye Itey. Remember, when you change, we'll get back together. Until then, you need to find someone else to throw around and it's not going to be me." With that she hung up the phone. She was tired of all his calls apologizing for what he did five minutes ago. "If he can call five minutes later and realize what he did, then he can control it." She told herself every time she cried. She had enough of it and she had to call everything off. It wasn't exactly the right thing to do, but she had to do it.  
  
"Damn it!" He screamed as he threw the phone across the room. He jumped off the bed and ran around, destroying everything in his path. He cussed and broke things; he punched the wall and finally he was finished, he fell to the ground and cried.  
  
I don't want to be the one  
  
The battles always choose  
  
'Cause inside I realize  
  
That I'm the one confused  
  
"Why God? I thought you were always there for me?" He looked to the left of him and saw a book that had the words Holy Bible written on it. He picked it up and threw it against the wall. "All you've ever done for me was give me this fucking problem. All you've ever done for me was give me problems. You don't care about anyone but yourself. I've tried to please you, I've tried to know you. I've tried everything, but you just can't see. You can't take this away from me." He called out to the One above. He grew up in a Christian family, but his family wasn't Christian at all. They went to church every Sunday, but they were not at all Christian. The church was his hideout, it was a place where he can have peace. Home was hell for him, school wasn't any better. He attended church all the time because he was at peace there. It wasn't until recently that he decided that he didn't want to go anymore. He thought that he was too good to go to church. High school has taught him about how true the real Christians are to their God, but he wasn't like them. He saw how everyone picked on them, and he didn't want to be put in that position. He was tired of everyone putting pressure on him to get involved more and stand up for what he believed in. But he didn't know what he believed in. He turned away from his friends, his God and himself.  
  
I don't know what's worth fighting for  
  
Or why I have to scream  
  
I don't know why I instigate  
  
And say what I don't mean  
  
I don't know how I got this way  
  
I know it's not alright  
  
So I'm breaking the habit  
  
I'm breaking the habit  
  
Tonight  
  
He walked slowly, quietly into the kitchen. The screams of his mother ringing in his ears, the loud yell of his step dad in right behind him. He went to a brown drawer and pulled out a silver, shiny, slim object and put it in his pocket. He tiptoed back to his room.  
  
Clutching my cure I tightly lock the door I try to catch my breath again I hurt much more Than anytime before I had no options left again  
  
He pulled out the knife. He eyed it impassively. He was content with the knife, his cure. He looked up at the sky and gave is last plea. "I don't know what to do. I've tried everything I can to get out of this. I never thought I would do this. I've ran out of options. I've been faithful to You for so long, and it's You that hasn't been faithful to me. What did I do wrong? I thought that You would always be there for me! I've tried to remember that: when the world hates me, remember it hated You first. Now Alicia hates me and she is the world to me. She doesn't hate You, she's never hated You! She hates me! It's because of what You've given me! I beg You to take it away! I've prayed night after night for my whole life for You to take it away, but You didn't. And now I have to. I have to depend on myself, and I am." He closed his eyes and clenched them tightly. He started to cry again, but he knew he had to do it. He opened his eyes again, hoping that God had sent a sign to him, telling him that He was there for him and he didn't need to do this. All he saw was his wrecked room.  
  
I don't want to be the one  
  
Who battles always choose  
  
'Cause inside I realize  
  
That I'm the one confused  
  
He got up off the cold, hard wood floor he was sitting on and went over to his desk. He opened a drawer and pulled out a tablet. He found a pen and sat down on the chair. He thought about what he'd write to his family and to Alicia. How could he explain it to them? He didn't think anymore and just started writing. "Dear Mom, Dad, and Alicia, I'm sorry for doing this to you. I can only imagine the pain you all must be going through. But don't cry for me, please. I don't want you to do that. I'm not worth crying over. And don't blame God for this, I already did that enough. I know you won't understand why I did this and I know I can't explain to you why I did it. You wouldn't understand no matter what I say. I've tried everything, but I can't do it anymore. I've leaned on God my whole life and he didn't take it away. Now I must fix my own problem. That's how I've done it my whole life. I've either had God do something for me, or I did it myself. If God didn't fix my problems, I did. I never had anyone else there to do it for me, so I must do it myself. This is my way out. I love you all and I never meant to hurt you."  
  
"I never meant those words I said. I never meant it all the times I've hit you. I didn't mean it when I screamed at you. I didn't mean to make you cry. I just have a problem that won't go away no matter what I do. Life is so confusing and what's going on right now isn't helping. I'm tired of all the battles I have to fight in. All these years I thought I was fighting against someone else, but in reality, it was a battle between myself. I know how I can end that battle and I will do that. I love you all and I didn't mean to do this so that it would hurt you. I only did it break the habit. I love you. So this is my goodbye and it's the last one you'll get from me. I love you and I'm sorry."  
  
I don't know what's worth fighting for  
  
Or why I have to scream  
  
I don't know why I instigate  
  
And say what I don't mean  
  
I don't know how I got this way  
  
I'll never be alright  
  
So, I'm breaking the habit  
  
I'm breaking the habit  
  
Tonight  
  
He went back over to the knife and sat down. He closed his eyes even tighter as he picked it up. He bit his lip as a tear ran down his cheek. He didn't know if this was right, but he didn't know what was right anymore. With one swift and fatal move, it was over. He didn't know what hit him and he didn't give himself a chance to realize that it was over.  
  
His lifeless body fell backwards against the wall. Blood spilled down his 15 year old body onto the wall and floor. No one would ever know if he had the courage to actually break the habit himself by a different means. No one would ever hear him talk to them about his problems at home. No one would actually know what he was fighting against. He left everything he had behind, his family, his friends, his love, and his life.  
  
I'll paint it on the walls 'Cause I'm the one at fault I'll never fight again And this is how it ends  
  
I don't know what's worth fighting for  
  
Or why I have to scream  
  
But now I have some clarity  
  
to show you what I mean  
  
I don't know how I got this way  
  
I'll never be alright  
  
So, I'm breaking the habit  
  
I'm breaking the habit  
  
I'm breaking the habit  
  
Tonight 


End file.
